@kumakurkuma
You already know everything I’m about to say, and I’m sure you’ve heard it a hundred times before.
However, I’m going to say it again anyways even if just to make myself feel better.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. No words that are said and even the most compassionate embrace cannot and will not make it hurt any less. If anything, the acknowledgement of the pain and accepting people’s advice and good wishes with a faux smile on your face can be one of the most painful parts of the whole process.
But people forget. As soon as enough time has passed (“enough” by their standards) they will stop asking how you are and stop apologizing. They will just all together forget that every single day you are walking around with half of your heart missing.
It’s a relief when everyone forgets though. It will allow you the space to breathe and simmer in your own f*cked up emotions for a little while. And cry.
When you’re ready, whether it’s two minutes, two months, or two years after your parents passing, crying will be the best outlet you’ll have. We’re talking ugly, slobbery, totally losing control sobbing.
There is no time limit, no right or wrong way. You need to take care of yourself regardless of how long others think is an appropriate amount of time to grieve. You will be grieving for the rest of your life.
The pain and hollow weight in your chest will never go away. You will just learn to push it to the back of your mind for you to access when you’re ready to feel it.
However, every holiday, every big event, and every “first” anything that you would want your parent to be apart of will literally bring you to your knees. Physically, mentally, and emotionally you will crumble. A lump will form in the back of your throat and you won’t be able to speak.
It is a constant and repeated stab in your heart that you can’t do anything about. But you get through it each and every time this feeling overwhelms you. You fight through it because you’re so ridiculously strong.
You’re stronger than you know for even surviving the loss of half of yourself. You will only get stronger from here as you fight to survive each day.
Your every day will become about making them proud from wherever they may be watching. And you do what you need to do to keep yourself grounded, progressing, and sane.
Talk to them… find a quiet, peaceful spot with no one around and just talk. Tell them about your day, what you’re struggling with, and how much you miss them.
Cry… To them and to the loved ones still in this world. Don’t be afraid to break down and allow the distraught tears to overwhelm you.
Make it a point to remember them. On your parent’s birthday, anniversary, anytime you feel you need it, take a day to yourself to celebrate the life that they had. Photo albums and home videos will be your best friend and your worst enemy.
You will experience a clusterf*ck of emotions all at once. Just try to embrace it; that’s really all you can do.
Your life will be split into two; before and after their death. The stronger you will be able to take on anything because you know one of the deepest pains a person can feel.
As you graduate through the stages of life, they’re right there with you. It doesn’t get easier but it becomes apart of your greatest strength.
All my love and tears,
A girl who lost her dad too young
neckkiss